New Year, New You?

Happy 2015.  It's a brand new year.  Okay, the calendar may say 2015, but let's face it, everything is the same.  I, along with most people, get the sense of being able to start anew, a fresh new year to  begin again.  In truth, I'm not beginning again.  That thing I was upset about on December 31st was still there when the clock struck midnight.  Nothing changed.  The only things that really happen when midnight hits is we will continue to write 2014 for the first 3 months of the year and we will feel like we have just been given a new timeline to accomplish the things we have not accomplished prior to now.  For example, we can now say, by the end of this year, I will lose x-number of pounds, I will do x-hours of charity work or give a charity x-amount of money. All by the end of the year, all by that timeline we now feel we have. I am not going to say I've imposed this "timeline" on myself, but it seems as good as any. In reality, my timeline is 'as soon as possible.'  

The one thing that does happen for me with the changing of the year is that it forces me to reflect on the last year. Was I as kind as I wanted to be? Did I help to create some more good memories for my children? Did I better myself as a person? I can honestly say that this last year I did make more strides toward all of that than I ever have before, BUT I'm still not where I'd hoped to be.  I know I will always be a work in progress, I know I can never be finished, but I had hoped to be a bit better.  I did learn quite a bit in the last year though, which hasn't happened in quite some time. This Christmas, as I was opening gifts, gifts I had personally asked for, I was not excited.  I was just not feeling it.  I was disappointed that there wasn't more family time, I was disappointed that life got so busy that we missed our annual tradition of watching The Polar Express. I was disappointed that we weren't curled up on a couch together watching some cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie or sitting in our church service listening to 3000 people sing Silent Night.  I was disappointed about the lack of intimacy and warmth rather than what gifts I did or didn't receive. That feeling of dissatisfaction and emptiness has been culminating for several years, but it was particularly strong this year. 

That being said, is it a New Year?  Yes.  Are things different because it's a new year?  Nope.  But they will be.  I want to use this time to reconnect to the people I care about and continue working on myself and my faith and my marriage. Always a work in progress.